Keep your mouth shut. That's it. Just four little words. Keep-your-mouth-shut. It really shouldn't be that difficult. I had gotten to the point about a month ago where I was considering it a positive session if I just was able to keep my thoughts to myself for the entire time. Seriously, I was actually embarrassed after a semi-winning session a while back because I couldn't just stay quiet while others around me were playing ridiculous poorly. Playing ridiculous poorly...and beating me, of course.

It seems that a couple months back someone had slipped me some sort of pill, perhaps spiking my drink even. All I know was that I had somehow contracted a possibly fatal strain of Hellmuth-itis. I cringe even to be honest with you about my affliction. I cringe even more to think of myself as a player who would resort to attacking other players verbally for catching lucky hands against me.

There are few things more irritating while playing cards than someone incessantly yapping when they lose a hand. Long-shot winner though it may be, you need to keep your trap squarely closed, for many reasons. This behavior speaks to a lack of self control, weakness of ego, and just plain old poor sportsmanship. We are talking about the whammy of all whammy's here. You have to just say no, er, just say nothing! Of course, this is all to say nothing of the fact that it is just simply not in your own best interest in the game you are in.

It is direly important to keep the person playing poorly at the table, as well as happy there. First things first, if you, or I, decide to make someone feel incredibly stupid while playing poker, they will do one of several things. They may (a) leave, thereby making it impossible for you to recoup your losses against a player who is playing some poor hands, and taking them too far. This also should (b) make you feel poorly, as you are being enough of a jerk to actually drive someone away from the table. Another possibility is that the individual will (c) smarten up and begin playing tougher. Now, we certainly don't want to take all of the live players out there right now and force them to tighten up their games and play better against us.

I know some of you are thinking to yourselves, "Well Joe, I actually play much better against opponents who are stronger. They make smarter decisions and I am able to read them better." Nonsense. Straight-up nonsense. I have incorrectly said the same thing before and I know where you are coming from with this thinking, but it is off-base and pretty illogical, if you think about it.

The fact of the matter is not that we actually have a larger opportunity to win more money from the better players, but that we are just more comfortable with those players who play by-the-book. They do things that make sense and thus we don't get as angry when we lose to them. After all, it doesn't sting as much to lose with AQ to AK in a four-way pot as it does to lose with AA to 63 in a four-way pot. Losing to a better hand is just something that is expected. Catching up with miracle cards isn't, and isn't welcomed, or more importantly, accepted, easily. It should be accepted quietly though.

Besides the comfortability issue, it is just so counter-intuitive to suggest that the tougher the competition, the easier time we have. As I said, what we should be thinking is that the weaker the competition, the less pots we will win, but the pots we do win will be much bigger. In the end all of this will even out and the stronger player will dominate. I think we all know this intellectually, but in practice it is much tougher to remember, at least in the heat of battle.

Nevertheless, We gotta learn to zip it up. I was being so absurdly demonstratively when someone would catch up to me at the end of a hand, that I would honestly compare myself to a kindergarten student. "You've got my toy! I want it back! NOW!" vs. "You played that garbage under the gun?! Are you kidding?!" See? Same difference, and that would be none at all.

We should all make this a personal issue for ourselves as well. Do we really have such little confidence in ourselves and our games that we need to attack players who get lucky from time to time? This is the question that I had to ask myself. I really felt awful, terribly embarrassed even, at the end of the night when I had been crying and whining. No doubt it's tough to stay silent when you get sucked-out on several hands in a row, but come on. We are supposed to be adults. I decided to think of games to trick myself into keeping my composure. Let's look at it in a professional sports light...

I began to picture myself as Terrell Owens every time I start crying on the felt. I see myself standing on the star in Dallas Stadium, looking like the biggest jerk in all of sports. I picture myself tearing down the San Francisco 49ers and then complaining that the Eagles aren't paying me enough money. If you are a T.O. fan, I digress, but you have to admit, he very often doesn't look like the model of a good sportsman.

So that's my lecture, and it's probably more for myself than it is for you. I have dedicated every ounce of my poker-playing self to keeping a cool head, and an even cooler mouth, and I sincerely hope that you will too. I think that the poker community, as well as our own individual games, will benefit from all of us staying quiet and learning to say the three simple words, "nice hand, sir."